The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
