Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
