My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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