so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
