We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
