Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
