How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
