You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
