Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
