I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
