just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
