He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
