He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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