So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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