I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
