Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
