You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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