Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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