aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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