I think I am morally bankrupt
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
