you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
