This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I look better un-naked...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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