Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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