i may or may not be watching the land before time
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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