'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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