i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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