I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
