The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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