Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
