Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my shit smells like andre
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
