We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
