This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
