Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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