Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
