woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
