I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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