id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
