I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
