Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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