I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
