I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
