I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
