After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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