I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
