do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
