im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
As shirtless as possible
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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