the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
