i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
