In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
