Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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