normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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