Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize