everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
