We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
