we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
